FC United: From the ashes…

(Disclaimer: This is largely written «in-character» and may or may not reflect my personal views on some matters and football clubs.) 

So I realize I probably have some explaining to do, given the relatively short-lived nature of my tenure at Afan Lido. In case you missed the fiery finale, it had nothing to do with the difficulty of the challenge or me «giving up» at such an early juncture. No, this story has turned personal. After being burned by a digital entity whom I can barely interact with, my pride was irreparably wounded. No, I needed revenge justice, but I couldn’t be too overt about it. Destroying the team from within would be too simple; I needed time.

Shortly after my resignation, a desperate English team came calling. They were deep in the relegation zone, were burdened with grotesque salaries for mediocre players, and needed  a miracle if they hoped to stay in the Blue Square North for another year. They were looking to me to be that miracle.

This mission would be too great for the likes of mere Jeff Goldblum. No, no man who finds the comfort of a woman on the beach during Easter could possibly hope to achieve that kind of victory. Destiny dictates a character of stronger moral fiber, a character who will not, CAN not be intimidated by any foe. FC United of Manchester needed…

The Bear

With his leadership questioned by none, The Bear set forth on his mission. Unfortunately, things were not going well. The first several results did not go well, and the emergency signings were not living up to their potential. With 12 games to play, FC United found itself in dire straights:

Not good. Justice cannot be achieved if you fail at the first hurdle. With morale at rock bottom, and team’s outlook grim, I sat the squad down for a «come to Jesus» meeting. Quite simply, I told them to man up and play, or I’d personally see to it that every single one of them would be without a football team come next season. Being smart lads, they didn’t question The Bear, and rallied around their fiery (and curiously hungry) boss.

Twelve games later?

By the skin on the delicious berries on my desk, we survived. The final position of 18th is deceptive, and it was only though a mix of luck and determination that we managed to crawl, scratch, and devour climb our way out of the relegation zone. By dropping our final two games and still surviving, we proved that fate is behind us.

Our fixtures, with the red line marking my arrival:

I almost certainly couldn’t have duplicated that nine game unbeaten streak even if I’d tried, but despite dropping 3 of our last 4, we managed to do just enough to survive. How we could go from scoring 5 goals in one game, to zero in the next, I have no idea, but one quickly learns not to question destiny. And if our survival wasn’t enough, we’ve also managed to achieve a glorious bit of history:

Oh yes, that’s right, a new record. With such an illustrious achievement to fill our sails, there is no telling how far we’ll go next year. And if that wasn’t enough, our board has decided the time was ripe for another bit of FC United history:

I’ve never been filled with such joy and such rage at one moment in time. Our previous stadium arrangement was a 50k per year sharing agreement with Bury F.C. at Gigg Lane. In order to be a proper football club, we naturally had to build our own stadium, and it’s a move I whole-heartily support. The name however, is about the least creative, and least Bearish thing it could possibly be! There is no way I can stand idly by while such a travesty is committed.

No, I must venture into the seedy underbelly of the Football Manager world, and procure myself a save-game editor. If we are to achieve our full destiny, we must have a home ground with proper name. As such, I will be taking suggestions on a suitably epic name for our new stadium. The current leader is «The Bear’s Den».

Now for a little segment I’ve decided to dub «Bear Talk«. In today’s edition, we’re going to discuss our plans for the future:

As I mentioned earlier, with my assumption of the manager’s role at FC United of Manchester, this story has taken an unexpected, yet eventful turn. While I still plan on seeking justice against Afan Lido, our destiny is greater than that now. You see, FC United was founded on a dream. A dream that fans can own their club, and have full say over it’s running without fear of a hostile take over by a crotchety old American (Unrelated — that’s the biggest fault with my fellow countryman, we can’t laugh at ourselves).

The «proper» Manchester United fans scoffed at these mavericks — called them traitors, attention-seekers, and fools. They banished them from the hallowed halls of Old Trafford, and bid them never to return. They had turned their backs on the true fans of Manchester United football. The ones not content to sit idly by as their beloved club accumulated hundreds of millions of pounds of debt at the hand of a foreigner. These revolutionaries took matters into their own hands and founded the noble and humble club of  FC United of Manchester.

Now, the time for their vengeance has come. The ones who turned their backs on us must be shown their folly. Manchester United must fall. Call us traitors, call us fools, hell, call us whatever name pleases you. Just know this: We’re the Red Rebels, and we’re on the move.